I have done several things lately that make me feel like a grown-up again. I went out. With adults. On a weekend (thanks, Colleen and Christine!) There were Jaeger shots (Thanks, Michelle!). When I mentioned to my friend Julie that Jaeger shots made me feel grown up, she pointed out the irony. When was the last time I did a shot and felt OLDER? Like 1990 or something. But it felt really good to be out with a great group of women in a refined opera box at the House of Blues. Then, just today, I used my mom voice on Joe. I had a church meeting tonight, and Joe wanted to go to pub night at the Red Lion. I agreed to leave the meeting early so he could go to pub night, but when I agreed, I turned on my momvoice and said “I just want you to realize that we have chosen to have a baby, and that means that we have to make certain compromises and sacrifices. We can’t do everything we want every time we want to. This is the life we have chosen.” He still went out, but at least he waited until the meeting was fully over before he left. It’s the little things.And, I even went back to work today! I’m only going back one day a week, but it’s a nice way to ease into things and wean me off Darwin. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, going to work, but it really makes a difference knowing that it’s only for one day. I think the really hard part will be about week 2 of full time work, when I realize that every weekday from now on I will only see my son awake for about 2 hours a day. I was kind of hoping that I’d get to work and break down in tears or something, or realize that I can’t live without seeing Darwin all the time, so then I’d just know, and try to work something out with Joe so I could stay home. But, it actually felt kind of nice to be at work. I really missed Darwin, but I think the nice part was feeling relatively competent at something. Knowing what has to happen, and what the system is for that happening. At home with Darwin, every day it’s a new experiment. Ah, he is crying. I wonder what it is this time. Eating? No. Diaper? No. Sleep? No. Let’s try eating again — oh, that was it. It was nice to feel like I knew what I was doing for a full day.So I am feeling like a Big Girl today, after my girls night out, use of momvoice, and bringing home the bacon. Tomorrow, however, I will remain in my sweats all day and have conversations that mostly consist of “Who’s that baby in the mirror? YOU’RE that baby in the mirror! Yes you are! Yes you are!” If only I had known that adulthood would be so shortlived.
Two definitions January 25, 2008
Nursing:
Definition 1: verb. “Today, Joe is nursing a hangover after going out drinking until midnight last night.”
Definition 2: adj. “Today, Kelli and Darwin are going to a nursing home to visit old ladies who can’t make it to church any more.”
If I can’t be drunk, I can at least be morally superior.
Apology Cards January 24, 2008
I was shopping today for a shower gift for our friend, and came across these totally awesome New Parent Apology Cards. It’s a book of postcard-sized cards to give to people, from restaurant owners to your very own body, to apologize for your child in some way. I realized why I like them so much — because they were created by Lane Walker Foard, who does all the Squibnocket cards, which I also love. And because they rock. I don’t think we’ll give these to our friend, since she has a child already, and they won’t have quite the same “oomph,” but here are some of my favorites:
“Depending on your respective tolerance for unremitting, ear-piercing screaming, you’re probably relieved that our travel together is finally, mercifully over. We do wish to apologize for our baby’s pushing the needle to decibels that make ear doctors start handing out pamphlets. But please know that this minor setback will not keep us from striving to be as perfect and happy as the model family pictured on the box our car seat came in. We hope we will be closer to that goal, should our paths cross again.”
“It appears timliness has itself a newfound enemy. We refer, of course, to ourselves — since once again we have arrived over thirty minutes late. And for that we apologize. It’s just that we’re currently destabilized by excessive amounts of responsibility, compounded by excessive amounts of sleep deprivation, complicated by the need for excessive amounts of gear. And simply getting out the door is a production rivaled only by circuses moving to the next town. “
“As it turns out, yes, we are still alive. We apologize for not staying in touch with out other single friends, it’s just that parenting has us rejiggering our priorities. But you wouldn’t want to hang out with us right now anyway. We talk nonstop about our baby, make siren sounds every time a fire truck goes by, and hyper-sterilize everything. But hey, do call us though — we could really use some news from the outside world. Or, call us after you’ve found someone, married, and had your baby.”
“Okay, okay, I know I’ve been calling your house so much you’d think I was trying to be the tenth lucky caller or something. I’m sorry. It’s just that the whole parenting/breastfeeding/nurturing thing seemed so much easier when you had your baby. I mean, I’ve actually seen you smiling with your baby. And I think your hair even gets brushed. I must be doing something wrong. Anyway, please don’t put me on your Caller ID Rejection List. “
There are more, which are equally as vocabulary-rich, and funny. It’s just nice to know it’s not just me who feels like this, and has to stop myself from apologizing to everyone. The only card that I think is missing is one to the lady at the deli counter, because I’m always fairly short with her, since I feel as though I have a ticking time bomb in the cart that could start crying at any moment. But other than that, they rock.
Incognito January 18, 2008
I had lunch last week with some friends, and afterwards I was walking around downtown, in the midst of all the other businesspeople and shoppers and the like. And suddenly, I realized that no one knew I had a baby! I could tell people I didn’t have children, if they asked, and they would never know. It’s been a long time since I felt like no one would know I was a breeder — since I started showing in my pregnancy (and would try to dress to look extra pregnant so I could get a seat on the el). It was a weird feeling to realize that I was just another pedestrian, and no one knew anything about my story. I felt both a little bit sad and a little bit liberated. I was sad that no one could see what has become the most important part of my life right now. I wanted to get a t-shirt that says “I have a really cute baby at home!” But it also felt so good to know that I wasn’t “just” a mom, and that I could talk to people about all different aspects of my life, and go to the Borders and get books that were NOT about sleep training or terrifying infant diseases. I felt like I was undercover, in a way. And I wondered if, on larger scale, people who really do have to go undercover feel a little bit like that — sad that no one really knows them, but excited that they can become anyone. Did you ever see that show “Spy,” that was a BBC reality show that came on PBS? They took ordinary people and trained them to be spies. I really liked it, but never got around to figuring out when it came on, so I only saw parts of episodes, for the most part. But, the one whole episode I saw was when the task was when the show asked the spouse, sister, mother, etc. of each contestant to go to a particular hotel lobby. The contestant had to follow that person and give them a note, all without being seen or recognized. These contestants had been away from their families for months by now, and really missed them, and to be so close to the person they loved most but not be able to say anything to them was really hard.
I have no idea what that has to do with being pregnant, but it was a fun show, and it relly made you think about the things that would be tough about being a spy. At least that one full episode I saw did, so I’m pretty much an expert.
Ah — here’s what it has to do with being pregnant and having a baby. If you want to go undercover with your baby, you can use a baby toupee to disguise your child (thanks, Alisun). And, if you want to go undercover with your child and your kitty, you can also invest in a kitty wig, so that your feline friend is also unrecognizable (thanks, Graham Norton). Of course, as soon as another cat sniffs its butt, the jig is up.
How did this post degenerate so quickly to kitty wigs and butt sniffing? Sorry about that.
Advice January 10, 2008
A co-worker of mine is becoming a “reluctant parent” — his words, not mine. He and his wife travel a great deal, and have a really full life already, and he’s not sure about this parenting thing. But, they decided to go for it, and are having a baby in few months. He asked for advice, and because it is so incredibly invaluable, I decided to do everyone a favor and post my advice email in its entirety. Lucky you.
1. Glider — this was our big splurge purchase. We got a fancy pants Dutalier glider chair, with the option
to recline, and a nursing footrest on the ottoman, and I LOVE it. I use it every day, and it’s great to have a
place that’s comfortable for me and for Darwin, since he likes to sleep lying on me some days. We got it
from Lazar’s, and again, the customer service there was excellent. It was easily our most expensive
purchase, but also the one I’m happiest about.
2. Baby Bjorn — I wouldn’t have bought this if a friend hadn’t given us their old one, but I’m really glad we
have it. It comes in very handy on days (which are thankfully getting much less frequent) when Darwin
needs to be held to keep him from crying, but I also want to do something besides just sit in the
aforementioned glider all day. With the Bjorn, I can have my hands free, but still keep Darwin chilled out.
And I used it when we flew home over the holidays, and it really seemed to keep him calm.
3. Little Tummys gas drops — I had no idea babies made so much noise, and had so much gastrointestinal
awfulness (see below). The jury is still out, according to pediatricians, whether drops like these work, but
I was really glad just to have a course of action and feel like I was doing something helpful.
4. Boppy — I was skeptical about how much I would use a Boppy, and thought maybe I didn’t need it, but I
use it a lot. Especially when I was first learning the breastfeeding ropes, I used it, and it made life much
easier. Now, I don’t need it, but it still makes things much more comfortable. And I can prop Darwin up in
it for resting with me in bed, or photo shoots.
5. Rolling cradle — we got a small rolling cradle (the DaVinci Futura http://www.amazon.com/DaVinci-M0413CP-Futura-Baby-Cradle-Cherry/dp/B000FTD1PM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1199749772&sr=8-2) that is great. The Pack and Play is good because it’s portable when we leave the house, but this cradle is
great because it can roll from room to room and fits through doorways. So, I can put it in the dining room
while he takes a nap and I vacuum or something. It doesn’t have a changing area, though, like a Pack and
Play.
6. Nursing tank tops — I just discovered these, and I love them. I got them from Target, in the lingerie
section, and they’re really convenient. They’re just tank tops that have that funny nursing flap. They’re nice
because you can wear just them around the house (or in the hospital), or sleep in them and they’re easy.
7. Lansinoh cream — this is cream for, ahem, sore nipples. (It is amazing to me how many things that would
have been sexy a year ago are now kind of boring, like taking off my shirt in the living room, and using
nipple cream). It’s just nice to have it ahead of time, because I waited until the pain was excruciating before
Joe got some. It helped within a day.
8. Bouncy seat — I know everyone will tell you to get one. Get one. I didn’t know if I’d really use it, but we
actually have two, and I use them all day, every day. It is one of the only ways to get anything done.
9. Your Baby’s First Year Week by Week — I really like this book, because it’s organized chronologically
rather than by disorder, or something. So, you’re not just browsing through symptoms or things to worry
about, but you can get ideas for how to play with your baby and the like. Although, it can also make me
paranoid: “Oh my god, he’s 7 weeks old and the book says he should be social smiling now but he’s not!”
So just take it with a grain of salt.
10. Construction for All — I got a really fun diaper bag at Construction for All
(http://www.constructionforall.com/) that is handmade and not terribly expensive, although it was another splurge for me (about $60, I think). It doesn’t have all kinds of bells
and whistles, but I’ve found I don’t need them, at least not yet. It works great for us, even when we load it
down with thick cloth diapers (If you have any questions about cloth diapers, let me know, so I can get my
Liberal Smug fix).
1. TV Trays — As soon as I sit down to breastfeed, I realize that everything is just out of reach. The TV
remote, a glass of water, a burp cloth, my magazine. Having a TV tray (or two) set up around the room is
nice for me, so that I have a station to keep things so I can reach them easily.
2. Crock pot — I have become one of those moms. I use a crock pot. But, it works out great for me because
Darwin is so happy in the morning (I have no idea where he gets it – not from Joe or me), so I can cut
vegetables and prepare stuff then, before he starts getting fussier in the afternoon and evening. I feel a
little Roseanne Barr when I use it, though, because it seems so stereotypically “mom.”
3. Freezer space — if you’re going to breastfeed, and you’re going to pump, you need room in the freezer for
the milk. And for all the frozen dinners that friends will thankfully bring you. We’re running out of room
for breastmilk, and it’s taking some creative organizing, so it might be a good thing to think about ahead
of time.
4. A reason to put on pants — I am only a little facetious on this one. Wearing sweatpants every day for 2
months straight sounds like a dream come true, but you start to feel like a real loser after a while. Having
a reason to wear real clothes and brush your hair feels really good.
1. Blankets — Good Lord, will you get blankets. You will get flannel blankets, fleece blankets with tags
around the outside for the baby to play with, Winnie the Pooh blankets (I hope you like Winnie the Pooh.
If not, you will be sad very soon, because everything everyone gives you will have Winnie the Pooh on it),
big blankets, small blankets, blankets handknitted by your college roommate’s Aunt Edna whom you met
once at a Bar-b-Que when you were half in the bag. We didn’t swaddle very long (and it was fine — don’t let
anyone tell you differently!), so we really didn’t have a use for them, but I know lots of people who do
swaddle, and STILL don’t have a use for them. We use a couple for the carseat when it’s cold, but other
than that, they just sit around.
2. Kids’ books — unless you have a book that you really want to share with your child from birth, don’t
worry about buying any books. They are another thing that you will receive gobs of. And, really it doesn’t
matter what you read to the kid — Darwin and I sit around and read the Economist and whatever novel I
happen to be reading, so you’ll have plenty of time to get any books you really want to read to the child.
One big thing I wish people would have told me is how NOISY newborns are, especially when sleeping. And
it’s not just fussing or something, but these horrible noises like they are drowning in their own mucous
and going into acute respiratory distress. We called the pediatrician several times about it. They also make
horrible noises when digesting (which is pretty much all the time) and it sems like they are in horrible
pain. Apparently, babies have larynx that is still developing when they are born, hence the gurgling choking
noises, and a developing digestive system, hence the straining. These get better, but boy, did we think
something was horribly wrong for the first few weeks, and even after. So, just a warning. The Little
Tummys I mentioned above helped us at least feel like we could do something, whether they really helped
or not.
And just to close, John, I, too, am a reluctant parent (when Joe and I first started talking about it, I was on
the fence and said “If you don’t want to have kids, that’s fine with me. We’ll travel more, retire with more
money, all that stuff.” Joe looked at me and said “Never speak of this again.” Ooookay…). I can honestly
say that it is not terrible. I know that isn’t a ringing endorsement. But, I am enjoying being a mom more
and more as Darwin gets older, and just in the last week or so have begun to see why people may have
more than one baby, and not leave their first at the fire station and drive away quickly. It really does get
better and better. I won’t lie and say that I’m one of those people who thinks “I never knew what my life
was missing before” or who can’t imagine life without a baby. I can imagine it. It was a nice life. I’m getting
to the point where I feel like that, though, after only 2 months. It helps that Darwin is The Cutest Baby
Ever (not that I am biased). But, I also think that in some ways it’s better to be a reluctant parent, because
I didn’t have a baby to fill any need, or because I felt incomplete. I had a fulfilling life before, and do now,
as well. So for the same reason that I think it’s good for a husband and wife to have separate,
un-codependent lives before marriage so that they’re better balanced in marriage, I think that knowing
you don’t NEED a baby is a good thing, and will make you a much better parent. At least, that’s what I tell
myself.
Again, sorry for my longwinded-ness. I hope some of this is helpful. I’m really excited for you guys, because
I was surprised at how much I enjoy being a parent, and I hope you will be, too. Good luck with everything!
Kel
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Did you take out the trash? January 6, 2008
When did I get so boring? I feel like I used to be a fun person, who made people laugh and was silly and funny. Now though, it seems like I have to work at being fun. I have to weed through all the thoughts of whether the diapers got washed, whether that was the baby crying or the TV, whether anyone responded to my call for a nanny for the month of March. I’m listening to Joe giggle easily in the front room while he plays Halo with his friends, and I wonder if I laugh as easily and as much as I used to. I don’t think I do. I’m too busy being a grown up, and I haven’t found that balance of being a fun grown up yet.
And then I wonder when my life became Everybody Loves Raymond. A sitcom, but not even a good sitcom. And inane one that preys on stereotypes like a bumbling, oblivious husband and a nagging, harried wife. It reminds me a little bit of a Life in Hell cartoon called something like “So, You Want to Get Married?” And says “Are you prepared for…” with a list of consequences of getting married. One listing is “Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life,” with a cartoon of those weird Life In Hell rabbits on top of each other in bed, and one has the thought bubble “Did I take out the trash??” The next item on the list is “NOT having sex with the same person for the rest of your life,” and the cartoon is 2 rabbits lying awake in bed, and one is thinking “Did I take out the trash??”
John Lennon said that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, and it seems like that’s happened to me. Life just kind of snuck up and infiltrated all this fun I was having. Everything is my own choice — getting married, having a baby, etc. And I think it’s a good trade off, all the way around. I mean, I don’t want to be one of those creepy old ladies at the gay pride parade who are wrinkly, puking drunk and taking off their shirts for beads. There is something to be said for growing up, certainly. I just need to find a new balance between making sure the phone bill gets paid and making sure my gut aches from laughing every now and again.
And, just to clarify, I had sex just last night, lest you think I’m REALLY in a bad way. I hardly thought about taking out the trash at all, since trash day isn’t until Thursday.
First in Flight January 4, 2008
Happy new year! We had a wonderful time ringing in 2008 with a bunch of college friends who chose to spend their new year’s with newborn babies instead of trash can punch. We must be getting old.
Darwin had his first plane ride, to visit my folks for a week. I was totally stressed out about it, and about being one of “those” people on the plane with the kid who won’t stop crying, but as you can see from the photo, he slept through the whole thing. Whew!
But, packing a diaper bag for a flight is much akin to Steve Martin in The Jerk. “All I need are these diapers and these wipes. And this change of clothes. And this rattle. And this burpcloth. All I need are these diapers, these wipes, this change of baby clothes, a rattle, a burpcloth, this magazine, and this breastfeeding coverup….” I managed to use just a diaper bag as a carryon, but it weren’t easy.
