Um, can I change my mind? About this whole baby thing?
I seem to have gone suddenly from the being in love with the world phase of pregnancy to the bitter, petty and angry phase. I am already tired of making sacrifices for this kid, and he/she isn’t even here yet. And I’m most tired of making them when Joe doesn’t have to. The last 2 weekends in a row, he’s come home drunk at 5 am and 3 am, respectively (or “dis-respectively,” as the case may be), and then proceeds to sit on the couch and watch bad TV all weekend. All weekend! Not one productive burst. I took a 4-day weekend, and have watched one hour of TV total, because I have been working on house projects.
Today, we went to a BBQ, and I had a flash forward. All the dads went somewhere, who knows where, and I stayed out with the moms and the kids. And I suddenly realized that this is the rest of my life. Joe in the basement smoking weed or doing god knows what with the dads, and I’m out in teepee with squealing girls talking about The Little Mermaid. This baby thing was all his idea! I didn’t sign up for this! I can’t be that un-selfish and not be mad about it!
I just see the rest of my life as being defined by someone else, and lived for someone else, while Joe’s remains relatively the same. Easy for him to say he wants kids. I was really fine with cats. I’m sure the payoff is huge, and that once this baby gets here, I won’t care at all, because it will be such an amazing thing. That’s what everyone says, and I have no reason to doubt it. But right now, I’d kind of like to visit Iceland and Australia, and retire a little early. That sounds pretty nice.
I know I’m just being selfish — that’s kind of the point. I am selfish, and don’t know if I can happily be otherwise. I think it’s just a mid-life, or mid-pregnancy, crisis. I want to be footloose and fancy free to do whatever I want. But guess what — even when I was footloose and fancy free, I still didn’t go to Iceland, or join the Peace Corps, or anything else. I did exactly the same things I’m doing now. I just have to get used to the idea of not being able to do those things for a while. Someday, we can pack the kid off to summer camp and take a nice vacation to Iceland. Right? Anyone want to sign up now to babysit??