Darwin only loves me for my boobs. I try singing. I try shaking rattles. I try making funny faces. The only time he pays attention to me is when my shirt is off. I can sympathize a lot more with those women on “The Girls Next Door” (such a guilty pleasure). No wonder they’re all stupid — why go to the effort of trying to be multi-dimensional when no one will pay attention anyway? It’s very discouraging to make what I think is the best funny face I’ve ever made, even accompanied by a hilarious noise, and have Darwin still more interested in the ceiling. It must be the same for the Playmates when they make an especially incisive comment on US foreign policy, or quote Derrida. So, they just wear a low cut shirt.
Darwin is getting very good at looking at faces, though, and it’s amazing how gratifying that is. It reminds me of that Eddie Murphy bit where he talks about a woman who made him wait 6 months to have sex, and when they did, it was the best sex he ever had. But then he thought about it, and likened it to a starving man getting thrown a Saltine. It’s the best gourmet meal he’s ever tasted.”Oooh — this is delicious! Is this Ritz? No? Just a Saltine? Mmm…..they sure do make them tasty nowadays.” It’s kind of the same thing with Darwin. There has been absolutely no interaction up until now, so suddenly, when he can make eye contact — or actually, more often, forehead contact, because he doesn’t focus on the eyes too often — it’s this incredible thing. As always, creating low expectations is the key to keeping people happy. Babies know it.
And it’s also ironic how many things that 10 years ago would seem really hot are now very not hot. Taking off my shirt at 3am. Rubbing fancy cream on my nipples. Walking into the living room topless. It used to be, when I took off my shirt, it was a sexy thing. Now, boobs are so utilitarian, it’s like taking out a wrench. And not showering and wearing the same sweats and milk-stained shirt three days in a row doesn’t help, that’s for sure. The Playboy Bunnies probably don’t do that. That’s maybe more of a Hustler thing.